Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize