apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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