you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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