I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
