ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
