I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
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