Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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