I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize