Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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