Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
