that's an acceptable place to lick
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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