Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
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