Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
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