he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
