did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
