Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
