I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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