I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
