If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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