I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
