just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
