I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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