Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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