im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize