if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
