Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
you traded sex for a burrito?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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