Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
