shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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