Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Randomize
