This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
