i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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