Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
