That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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