My liver just broke up with me...
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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