i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
