A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
