proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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