So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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