For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
