so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
