i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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