Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
