im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
