I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
