I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
