even my farts smell like vagina
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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