I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
