Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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