Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
