someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize