I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
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