I cut my penus on the lid.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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