Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Randomize
