This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize