Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
