At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
