ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Randomize