I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
