if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
